Frankly, Photo by BradensEye full of fucking love

Conviction is our closest ally. Truth about self is the dominant definitive road map to our authenticity. Yet, life fills us with data and reasons to question who we are. We’re bombarded with options would we rather be like, look a certain way, access different things beyond our means, and all sorts of religion, politics, or society weighing in for justification on whether we’re doing it sufficiently or abundantly. Some marketing speaks to leveraging assets we might already have, while other aspects angle to obtain our hard earned dollars to disguise our honesty by manifesting as another version that’s simply not proof positive. I’ve come to see this as our apologizing dilemma. We each tow the line of establishing our will not to relinquish who we am for the sake of anyone else. Herein lies the opportunity to discover we stand for ourselves.

To say “I love you” one must know first how to say the “I”. ~Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

Funny enough, “I love you” and “I’m sorry” have been two of the extremely common expressions in my verbal lifetime. I quickly seasoned myself with loving qualities starting in my juvenility. There was just always something special about love that captured my undivided attention. Ironically, tons of it lived outside of me. I found love on the soap operas, in the trashy beach paperback books I snuck off my mom’s shelf or waiting for me to be of the right age like my elder peers at school clasped in hands and sneaking kisses between every school bell. Weirdly, the forgiveness phrase tumbled out all too easily as well. Where it’s been comfortable for me to share that warmhearted feeling vocally or through touch, the “sorry” stuff disquieted me. I became a sorries slogan poster child. I was constantly too quick to take the blame. From the most mundane of things to abusive rebuttals, I’ve been apologetic. The wind scattered papers and I was the pitiable beggar taking asking to be excused. Rarely was anything my fault. I was missing the intrinsic me in the “I”. I was responsible for me, but not all of these external results.

Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. ~Kurt Cobain

Too much pardoning takes a huge toll. I was seeking mercy all over the place. This bled through my home, school, friendship, and career spirit. I desperately wanted to excel in the workplace. Therefore, solving big or small troubles was my talisman trait. Unfortunately, it was fraught full of dreary corners where anyone would dole their difficulties my direction. I estimate we produce greater accomplishment if we don’t weave ourselves within the intimacy of other’s challenges inappropriately. We have zero business being in relationships without a succinct understanding of what we’re doing there. I liken this to the joking wish I’ve quipped for years that drivers license tests should be administered annually, along with licenses should be given to be able to birth a child. It’s merely my way of poking fun at the insane Los Angeles street scene and the overpopulation issues I’ve experienced all over the world. I want to be romantically involved and have a family. I don’t need to have either just because the Jones’ do. There is no requisite for me to prove myself by showing up as someone else.

Sartaj was thinking about how uncanny an animal this life was, that you had to seize it and let go of it at the same time, that you had to enjoy but also plan, live every minute and die every moment. ~Vikram Chandra, Sacred Games

Let us cease and desist personal friction. Down with dissolution and up with resurrectiont! All the fretting deconstructs your spotlight. It still creeps in to this day if I’m not weary to watch out for it. I’ve even got a pact with multiple female friends to shout a reply if we catch one another using the “sorry” anytime other than where sincerely due.

Making sure we don’t lose ourselves in the process of trying to become someone we’re not, but especially someone we don’t like is crucial. Settling into all that we are is the journey of our longevity. How we develop a sense of self is not solely about seeing the bud, but for persuading the bloom by believing in it. Internally, who we are stems from how deeply we complete our why. I’ve hit that age where I’ve stopped apologizing for who I am and why I want to be as I do. My credo of confidence has won some adversaries. Although, the advantage is that I coddle and crush every crumb of my clock on my own accord. I answer to me and make of me as I’m able for me.

The certainties of one age are the problems of next. ~R. H. Tawney

Irrespective of generations or general birthdays ticking past, the afflictions we ignore will remain until resolved. When our ego christens control in thinking we’ve got things covered it’s just the entrance our hazards hearken. Certainty stated unfairly or wrung out impractically is asking for maladies to unravel us. With half a life left to lead, I desire this leg of the journey to capture my attention on a whole new course correct. My youth was outsourced with unruliness, whereas I extend prudence a faithful partnership. Influentially, Booksmart is a wonderful film which decries a life-saving anthem to be happy as you are in the present as it unfolds, instead of racing or chasing people or tomorrow’s too fast. I doubt we’ll ever entirely lose the growing we get from training our awareness to forgo seemingly exceptional alternatives. Your enlightenment comes out the end of you defending yourself.

“You have peace,” the old woman said, “when you make it with yourself.” ~Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Never be sorry for the gorgeous gift you are to the world exactly as you occur.

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