Wind in My Hair, Photo by Alan Greig

Soul Searching

I’m effectively calling out to my biggest universal cheerleaders, best angels, ancestral groupies, along with those who’ve passed and watch over me with adoration.

Have you ever ‘had it’ with yourself, as in had enough, almost given up hope and been pissed at this living thing for not showing up in whatever ways you want? I mean, I like roller coasters. Only, I don’t like the psychological kind, where your ups and downs are swooping all over the place and it’s as if they forgot to fully buckle you in. Plus there are those head-banging and extra bumpy moments that I can always do without.

Welcome to a current journey in my life… AKA — soul searching.

So, to satisfy my inner demons, I wrote myself an existential crisis moment poem, in hopes to ground my sweet soul back to the reconnection point. And let’s call that intersection point my heart, as it sounds nice and fluffy. Which I think I need to keep trying to picture since I’m feeling more like a boulder wedged between marshmallow mountains under a blazing heat wave. (If you’re not sure what all that is about, I don’t either entirely, but it was the visual that came to mind when I just thought about how to express my UGH caught in the net of my usual monumental sweetness.)

I truly hope this creates a smile for some of you, or maybe giant fits of laughter for a few who like the idea of normality stepping off the deep end. If, like me in some recent moments — this life moment — you find yourself stretching to reach the next breath, pondering the depths of your why, exhausted from sleepless nights where your brain won’t turn off to rest appropriately, and/or curiously caught in the web “what’s the point of all this”, then I beg you to join me for some soul-searching.

Soul (circa 1.28.2018)

I feel everything

I remember everything

You think you guide me

But I know the way

I am depth

I am breadth

You breathe

But not without me

I have loved you from before

I will love you infinitely

You are sublime

But I am erotic divine

I am all you ever wanted

I am the vision and creation

You yearn

But all is within

I am always with you

I am you

You desire and deserve

But love is unconditional

I wreak patience

I shout praise

You are wise

But wisdom is I

I stretch

I challenge

You soar

But sometimes crack

I will not give up

I will not give in

You are the best

But we are better

The moral I present is exactly this: ‘present’, the precious present moment you/I am in right NOW. Alive! Your soul got you here, to this now. It is the backbone upon which your lifeblood pumps through every vein. Your soul will not let you falter, so long as you recognize and reason with it. First, you must own it. Reconcile with it. Heck, even take it to the mat and ‘duke it out’ with it! That’s one of my deepest darkest secrets now revealed. I, too, have villians in my brain. Sure, they often keep themselves tucked away in the shadowy roots of my being, but they still exist. They are rascals of the worst kind. I’m fighting them and asking my soul to rise.

Your soul has the right abracadabra to combat your darkness! Like a favorite quote from a favorite film of mine, Legend says: “Together they will learn there can be no good without evil… No love without hate… No heaven without hell… No light without darkness.”

May this alight our souls. May we get back to those splendiferous wind-in-your-hair moments. May you speak this poem aloud and take it as your own too. May you (re)connect to the bounty of you. Blissings!

P.s. The irony is not lost on me that I’m publishing this, my “13th”, blog story on a Friday. Get it? My own personal Friday the 13th fun irony!